“Honey, do not put a sock on the cat’s head.”
“Stop kicking yourself in the face.”
“Bug, we do laundry in the washing machine, not the toilet.”
“You have to brush your teeth, or the Tooth Faerie will go bankrupt when all yours fall out, and not have anything for other boys and girls.”
“No baby, Santa is not going to eat your brains while you sleep.”
“No sweetie, Santa’s reindeer are not zombies, either.”
“I’m sorry that kid was mean, Bug. Some people do not get enough hugs, so they act that way to the people that do because they’re jealous.”
“You do not get to put your classmates in time-out, honey, no matter how much they talk during quiet time. That’s what teachers are there to do.”
When we started this parenting journey, we were in our mid- to late-twenties and while we did not describe ourselves as refined, we never expected to say a great many things that have since come out of our mouths so naturally in later years. We heard people comment that kids do or say the strangest things, but we never really had perspective until we saw him doing things we did not think physically possible, or would just intuitively know to be a bad idea. Thankfully, our cats are fairly mild creatures, and we are usually close at hand to stop pricey corrections that might result from flushing miscellaneous household objects, or all the other random things kids do. Then there are the questions that come up… Should we have let him watch that funny zombie video his cousins gave him on Christmas Eve?
I know most parents can relate to the above list, which is by no means comprehensive (at least four or five similar comments come out of our mouths on a daily basis). For parents-to-be, consider this a heads-up we were never given. Work on keeping your serious face because it loses something in translation for them when one or both of you are laughing as you instruct them that clothing is mandatory for humans in public but optional for animals, or reasoning with them why hygiene is important despite the seemingly logical arguments they spout back.